Big Pharma Announces Breakthrough Drug for Netflix Paralysis
The Pill Industrial Complex has finally solved one of modern life's greatest problems: Netflix Paralysis. Meet Decidex™, the miracle drug that helps you actually choose something to watch.
Bridgewater, NJ – After years of watching Americans spend 45 minutes choosing something to watch before giving up and going to bed, Big Pharma has finally stepped in.
A new pharmaceutical giant spin-off, MediVanta™, announced Monday the release of Decidex, a revolutionary new medication designed to treat what researchers are calling “Netflix Paralysis.” The condition affects millions of otherwise healthy adults who are confronted with thousands of movies and television shows and somehow conclude that there is “nothing on.”
“Patients typically experience rapid scrolling, repeated trailer watching and an inability to commit to a 42-minute episode,” said Dr. Linda Merriweather, MediVanta’s chief medical officer. “In severe cases, they reopen the same streaming app six times.”
“Before Decidex, I spent so long choosing a movie that it became tomorrow” —Wanda Gifford, 56
The company says Decidex works within 15 minutes.
Early trial participants reported remarkable results. “I saw a documentary about penguins and just… pressed play,” said one participant. “I didn't check Rotten Tomatoes. I didn't read 19 reviews. I didn't ask my wife. I simply watched the penguins.”
“Until Decidex, choosing a show was the longest relationship I had.” —Jennifer Stoll, 34
Do not take Decidex if you are allergic to Decidex. Do not operate heavy machinery while taking Decidex.
Ask your doctor if Decidex is right for you.
MediVanta recommends taking one tablet before opening any streaming service. For best results, do not take with popcorn.
In clinical trials a small group of patients(92%) taking Decidex experienced some mild side effects, including dizziness, dry mouth, nausea, insomnia, narcolepsy, binge-watching, loss of productivity, weight gain, semi-permanent amnesia, spontaneous screaming, and death.
A new pharmaceutical giant spin-off, MediVanta™, announced Monday the release of Decidex, a revolutionary new medication designed to treat what researchers are calling “Netflix Paralysis.” The condition affects millions of otherwise healthy adults who are confronted with thousands of movies and television shows and somehow conclude that there is “nothing on.”
“Patients typically experience rapid scrolling, repeated trailer watching and an inability to commit to a 42-minute episode,” said Dr. Linda Merriweather, MediVanta’s chief medical officer. “In severe cases, they reopen the same streaming app six times.”
“Before Decidex, I spent so long choosing a movie that it became tomorrow” —Wanda Gifford, 56
The company says Decidex works within 15 minutes.
Early trial participants reported remarkable results. “I saw a documentary about penguins and just… pressed play,” said one participant. “I didn't check Rotten Tomatoes. I didn't read 19 reviews. I didn't ask my wife. I simply watched the penguins.”
“Until Decidex, choosing a show was the longest relationship I had.” —Jennifer Stoll, 34
Do not take Decidex if you are allergic to Decidex. Do not operate heavy machinery while taking Decidex.
Ask your doctor if Decidex is right for you.
MediVanta recommends taking one tablet before opening any streaming service. For best results, do not take with popcorn.
In clinical trials a small group of patients(92%) taking Decidex experienced some mild side effects, including dizziness, dry mouth, nausea, insomnia, narcolepsy, binge-watching, loss of productivity, weight gain, semi-permanent amnesia, spontaneous screaming, and death.
