Recent archaeological discoveries have shaken brunch reservations nationwide, as a team of researchers announced they have uncovered ancient scrolls suggesting that Mother’s Day may, in fact, originate from ritual observances dedicated to the Canaanite deity Baal.

The scrolls, unearthed during what was initially described as a “routine dig”, appear to detail an annual spring festival involving offerings, floral arrangements, and what scholars are cautiously translating as “obligatory expressions of gratitude to a maternal authority figure who is not to be angered under any circumstances.”

“obligatory expressions of gratitude to maternal authority... not to be angered”

Pagan scroll describing a mother's day ritual
Pagan Scroll Describing Mother's Day Ritual
Dr. Rachel Barnes, lead archaeologist on the project, explained the striking parallels. “We found repeated references to burnt offerings, though in a modern context these seem to have evolved into slightly overcooked bacon served in bed,” she said. “There are also passages emphasizing the importance of handwritten messages, which, disturbingly, must be heartfelt or risk divine displeasure.”

Perhaps most unsettling is a fragment describing “the Ritual of Last-Minute Devotion,” in which participants frantically acquire tokens of appreciation shortly before sundown. Experts believe this practice survives today in the form of crowded greeting card aisles, jam-packed flower shops, and panic-purchased scented candles.

“Forget not the day, lest thou incur wrath."

Pagan scroll and broken pottery unearthed at dig site
Scroll and Pottery Shards at Site
Major greeting card companies have responded cautiously to the findings. One spokesperson noted, “While we respect the historical record, we remain confident that our premium foil-embossed products are entirely secular.” Religious scholars remain divided. Some argue the connection is tenuous, while others insist the evidence is overwhelming, particularly a line translated as: “Forget not the day, lest thou incur wrath."

Currently, millions of Americans are reportedly participating in the ancient rites, nervously double-checking whether their text messages included enough heart emojis.