BEIJING – In a high-stakes effort to smooth over international trade tensions with a bit of sightseeing, President Xi Jinping and Donald Trump took a "diplomatic breather" this week to scale the Great Wall of China.

Standing atop the Mutianyu section of the UNESCO World Heritage site, Trump squinted at the horizon, and noted that while the structure was "certainly big," it suffered from a distinct lack of modern amenities..

"It’s a nice wall. It’s a very famous wall. I’ve always said I’m a fan of walls—and this is a really great wall—definitely in the top five," Trump told a crowd of nodding officials and visibly confused dignitaries. "But let’s be honest: the stairs are a disaster. They’re uneven, they’re steep—I’ve seen better stairways in a 1970s Queens parking garage.

"I’ve always said I’m a fan of walls—and this is a really great wall" –Donald Trump

What we need here are a few gold-plated escalators. Can you imagine? You’re gliding up, you’re looking at the mountains, you’re surrounded by 24-karat craftsmanship. It would be a total game-changer for the brand."

Trump simulating golf swing
Trump Discussing Upgrades With President Xi

Gesturing toward the rugged Ming Dynasty fortifications, Trump sighed at the centuries-old stonework. "The masonry is okay, but it’s very grey. It’s depressing," he remarked to President Xi. "I told the President, I said, 'Xi, you’ve got the length, but you don’t have the luster.' A little bit of gilded brass and some high-intensity LED lighting along the battlements and you’d see this thing from the Moon. Not just outer space, but the Moon. It would be glowing. People would love it." .

While Chinese historians quietly noted that the wall was built almost 3000 years ago to repel nomadic invaders, Trump remained undeterred by the historical context. "Who are you trying to keep out now? Nobody. You’re trying to get people in," Trump said, miming a golf swing toward the horizon. "This isn't a fortification anymore; it's the world’s longest tourist attraction. Add a few escalators, put some gold trim on the towers, maybe a gift shop with some high-quality hats—it’s not just a wall anymore. It’s an experience. It would be world class, it would be huge."