Trashed Panda: Raccoon Outwits Police For 6 Years

ASHLAND, VA — Hanover County authorities have officially declared a raccoon public enemy number one. Already known as the “Trashed Panda” — famous for passing out drunk in a liquor store bathroom — he is now suspected of a multi-year reign of chaos and petty crime across a two-mile radius.

It all came to a head on Black Friday 2025, when the raccoon dropped through ceiling tiles of an Ashland Liquor store, shattered roughly $250 worth of liquor bottles, and then embarked on an alcohol-fueled spree of destruction before passing out. As reported by ABC news, store employees found him spread-eagled next to the toilet on Saturday morning, reeking of scotch and poor decisions.

“He went on a full-blown rampage, drinking everything” –Officer Samantha Martin, Animal Control

Investigators now believe the liquor store incident was only the latest in a long string of offenses. Authorities suspect the same culprit has been outsmarting local law enforcement for nearly six years. But thanks to some expert police work, Ashland’s Finest is finally closing in on the perp.

Re-examining paw prints, security footage, and partially eaten evidence, detectives have successfully connected him to a series of unsolved garage break-ins. Among the alleged crimes: pillaged refrigerators left hanging open with half-devoured sandwiches and cold cuts scattered across the floor, mysterious vehicle intrusions involving thefts of shiny objects, air fresheners, and even the vandalism of some fuzzy dice.

The lead detectives are confident the same suspect is behind repeated raids on some soft drink vending machines outside the Hampton Inn, defacing a nearby karate studio’s dojo with urine and sushi looted from its mini fridge, and even snacking his way through the Hanover DMV break room after ransacking the lobby.

Officials suspect the bandit first developed his taste for alcohol by hitting unsecured beer fridges in neighborhood garages years ago — working his way up from Natty Light to top-shelf whiskey like a true connoisseur.

Unfortunately, after sobering up at the shelter, authorities released him back into the wild near the scene of his crimes. They almost immediately regretted it, soon realizing they had put a career criminal back on the streets.

“He’ll be back,” Martin warned, “We think he’s hooked on peanut butter and Woodford Reserve, he can’t quit now.” Until then a county wide all-points bulletin (BOLO) has been issued for the masked bandit, who sits atop Ashland’s most-wanted list. Residents would be wise to secure their garages, hide the good beer, and maybe install some game cameras to help track his movements.

“He’s probably nursing a wicked hangover today, but may already be casing his next target.” –Detective Carroll, Ashland P.D.

Authorities are advising civilians not to approach the suspect, who should be considered dangerous, unpredictable, and possibly under the influence.

Based on articles published by abcnews.com and bbc.com.