Residents across the country confirmed this week that the economy has officially “entered the linen phase” after multiple households were spotted using their decorative “good towels” for actual human moisture. The towels—previously reserved for visiting in-laws, open houses, and the vague possibility of royalty stopping by—have reportedly been removed from their ceremonial rack position and exposed to running water. “We didn’t want to do this,” said local father Brent Wilkinson, gently patting dry his hands with a monogrammed cream set purchased during the Beijing 2008 Summer Olympics. “But when paper towels hit nine dollars, we looked at each other and knew… it was time.”

Experts say the warning signs were there. First came the use of the fancy soap. Then the emergency candles. Now, the embroidered guest towels—still aggressively labeled “BATH” despite being hand-sized—have been rotated into active duty. “I caught my husband drying his hands on the ‘Bless This Nest’ towel,” whispered homeowner Carla Mendez, staring blankly ahead. “That towel has never known dampness. It has only known hope.”

Market analysts report that once families begin laundering decorative linens on purpose, belt-tightening has reached a critical stage. “Historically, civilizations fall shortly after the good towels are used,” said one economist, citing data “mostly vibes-based.” At that point, it’s no longer a recession—it’s a soft launch into barbarism, one monogram at a time.